If I Were A Hockey Player...

Yea, yea, yea... I'm late once again. Brillance like this isn't done overnight folks:

Team: Washington Capitals
Uniform Number: 55
Position: Defenseman/Left Bench
Nickname: "Murph" or "Gooch"
Dream Linemates: Roman Checkmanek behind me in goal and Paul Mara next to me. Dmitri Kristich, Joe Murphy, and Ulf Dahlen (I've always liked name "Ulf") on the forward lines as we only operate as a unit.
Rounding Out The PP: The other 13 guys with me on the bench.
Job: Holding the end of the bench down.
Signature Move: Turning the puck over at my own blueline and always shooting the puck in practice and in games at the goaltender's head.
Strengths: The ability to yap like a Chihuahua so much that the coach puts me on the ice just to get some "quiet time" on the bench.
Weaknesses: Just about everything else.
Injury Problems: Well, I don't get injured which of course is the problem because I'm always available to play. Though "abnormal organisms" have been known to keep me from making scheduled flights.
Equipment: In addition to the standard issue gear, I always have a crowbar and a stick of dynamite hidden somewhere just in case I need it.
Nemesis: The rest of my team.
Scandal Involvement: I'm the one bringing the bucket of fried chicken to the "limo party" in the alley but not taking part in the festivities. I'm just eating my fried chicken and watching as my teammates carry on.
Who I'd face in the Stanley Cup Finals: Dallas Stars so NBC could play up the Dallas-Washington rivalry and so Ted could play Frank Herzog's "AND NOW THE STADIUM IS ROCKING" clip during the games as Caps fans chant "WE WANT DALLAS! WE WANT DALLAS!"
What I'd do with the Stanley Cup after our victory: Try to replace it with one of those cheap tin foil versions you see in the stands all throughout the playoffs so I could keep it for myself forever.
Would the media love me or hate me: Hate because I would only open my mouth to spit at them.